Inadequacy. I am not enough. I am inadequate. It seeps in and spreads through my bones, in hushed tones until my heart is screaming, "YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH!" You are not talented, you are a failure, and you are not enough. This one word, has been the focus of my week.
I lounge here, lacking words, and my brain goes just quit. No one will notice, no one really reads these stupid whiny blogs but you. Yet, I try. Again. Because if I am anything I am extremely tenacious and obsessive.
My husband who claims he isn't an encourager gave me some wisdom this week. One evening I was feeling discouraged, I just can't seem to do. I try and I try but I just can't do. I don't know why but I fall short and I try but I can't. I'm not good enough. Why are you so perfect when I fail at this specific thing constantly? Why do we have this exact conversation with these exact feelings from me all the time. He let me in on a little secret, I dig at it. Harsh truth, cause good gravy do I dig and pick at mysel! I obsess, it's my focus, and I can't let go, and I do this with just about everything. Every flaw or short coming, because I am inadequate. It's like a poison.
I am not enough, and it seeps out of me and into my world where I affect my family. I have woe. What if it's contagious? What if it's learned? Why do I have so much emphasis on what others think of me? If I post this blog will people think I'm an attention hog or crazy? Why is it so hard for me to believe in myself and that I have gifts and talents? That I can do!
When my life is not perfect, and it's not meeting my expectations I tend to panic. I failed. Then I base my self worth on my mistakes instead of what I'm doing right. Constantly.
This morning, I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and came upon a live broadcast of Mom Con, and the speaker was like a gift from God to me. She said we are fighting battles no one can see. I wonder how many of you know my battle with inadequacy because until now you probably couldn't see it. Then she gave me chills, as she read a list of problems she said inadequacy.
This week my husband, the good Lord, a conventional speaker, and my heart have shown me to continue to fight the battle to be me. I am more than the amount of house work I get done in a day. My worth is not based on the amount of likes my fall wreaths got on Facebook, how I look, what perfume I wear, or my favorite shoes. I am not defined by my habits, good and bad. I am defined by God Almighty, and He does not make mistakes y'all.
Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows. Luke 12:7
So today, I'm brave to be inadequate.
