Bold

Sometimes I don't know why I write this blog. In the past 3 weeks I've gotten 2 posts started and they just seemed too scattered, too emotional, and too raw. I look at my heart and I gain insight into myself. I am scattered. I am emotional. I am raw. I have been broken, to the point that I cried because I couldn't watch a football game. Fox in Texas won't play the Saints game when a Texas team is playing too.

I've asked the Lord a lot lately, why? Why me? Why are we here when I feel like it'd be easy to be back in Louisiana? Why am I so soft hearted? Why do I get dealt the hand of cards I do with life? Can I just quit and hide in my house? The season of brokenness that I realized I was in the middle of while standing in my kitchen eating spinach artichoke dip has just been down right hard. Isla and Lily have changed me. Life has changed me. I have struggled with what I look like and what I have time for now. Questioned who I am and what I love doing. Let little defeats add up til they pile up and break me.

I've been incredibly awkward in my own skin. I've examined my ways and thoughts and body, and decided I wasn't good enough. That I don't fit. I've blamed it on location. I've taken my flaws and put them on the table and picked them apart until I've come to the conclusion that someone like me doesn't deserve the blessing of the Toby, Isla, Lily and the weenies. I've avoided blaming it on my heart and thoughts, because I do fit. I am the right woman for my husband and my daughters and puppies.  I am majestically designed by a Creator who knows what He is doing. He created a girl who takes so much joy in little things like manicures, chocolate, bubble baths, Fall, and crafts. I do mean little, tiny happy things that pale in comparison to the big picture of my family and comfort of my Savior.

I am uniquely designed in a way that I am the perfect match for Toby, but on those bad days I don't see it. Isla turned around quickly and bumped her forehead on our cabinets the other day. Toby mentioned that she has some of my quirks, and that I might be able to really encourage her when she is older. My skin, to me is so awkward but the thought that it could be a blessing to Isla shows me all the more that He knows me and what He is doing. It's so easy to forget and to get caught in the storm of not good enough.

I was driving and the song Just say Jesus came on, and the words I've heard many times really ministered to me in this season of brokenness.

Life gets tough, and times get hard
It's hard to find the truth in all the lies

If you're tired of wondering why
Your heart isn't healing
And nothing feels like home
Cause you're lost and alone just screaming at the sky

When you don't know what to say
Just say Jesus
There is power in the name
The name of Jesus
If the words won't come
Cause you're to afraid to pray
Just say Jesus

Whisper it now, or shout it out
However it comes out, He hears your cry
Out of nowhere He will come, you got to believe it
He will rescue you
Just call out to the Way, The Truth, The Light

So I tell myself and you too. We are good enough. I came across a scripture today that really called out to me when I was playing around on Facebook and it tied things together for me.

In the day when I cried out, You answered me, And made me bold with strength in my soul. Psalm 138:3

Our Jesus loves us, and when we feel those soul breaking thoughts we need to only think, only whisper His name, and He will give us strength to love ourselves just as He made us.

A welcoming home

I preface my post with this today: this is my blog and these are my opinions and thoughts.

I've been fooled and super discouraged this last year. Maybe the last 2 years. I have bought into the lie that I am not capable. I get it, it's the new trend to be the "sticky floor" mom. I really have no other term for it. Yes I'm calling it a trend. All I can think of is that sign about the sticky floors. All I can think of is chaos, mess, and the crutch we can turn it into and let us defeat us.

It has sunk me down because what's the point in picking up after the girls if they make a mess again? What's the point in the joy of cleaning or a pretty home? Can I please just have my pretty house? I'm a momma now, I'm not supposed to have time to clean or get caught up on housework. It's not going to happen, accept it. My heart simply can't take it. I want to take pride in my home. I like to decorate, and it's alright I spend the time I do on that. I enjoy it. It's possible to spend time with my girls and clean. No one is neglected. In fact, when I haven't put forth effort it's not been pretty.

I get it. Let's extend the grace and acceptance, sincerely and fully to the seasons we need it. However, let's encourage each other that it's really quite attractive to have a clean home. A warm, welcoming place that it's ok that there aren't sticky floors because honestly the thought of that gives me anxiety. I'm just not a sticky floor mom, at least not for very long. There might be clutter though. I want to try though. I don't want to accept defeat.

I've always had joy in my house when it feels welcoming. I've really felt good when someone has commented it's clean or smells good. These are just some little quirks I have and I want to work at getting the girl back who isn't scared to be just a housewife anymore. It really burns my biscuits that there's this stereotype surrounding women who really do like to be a homemaker. Cause I do. I genuinely love it. I don't want to be anywhere else most of the time!

I remember the moments when women were celebrated because they had a clean, welcoming home and personality and I wanted to be that kind of woman! I feel like we don't celebrate that kind of woman often anymore. I'm not sure if I'm broken, but I miss it being a high regard to be that woman or that it's an amazing priority to want to learn those habits. Or to exhibit them.

Let's face it, we feel welcomed if someone took the time and effort to prepare for us. I'm not saying scrub everything down unless that's your thing. I'm definitely not saying it will always be clean how you want it and just fabulous. Sometimes it'll be messy and need work. It's not always going to be lemon fresh over here but with the power of Pine Sol, and elbow grease we'll do just fine. Toby has been so incredibly good at reminding me about this and I just try again. I am saying that for me at least, I'm not accepting this stigma anymore. I'm banishing it.

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

My Fruits

I've been thinking about my fruits the past month. What do people see in my life and in me? What does my family see? Lord, where is there room for learning and improvements? Recently I've decided to make some changes in my thinking. I want to be a positive person. I dont want to dwell on what's wrong, but what I'm grateful for instead.

I'm married to an optimist who challenges me and calls me out when I'm negative. Lately, it's been a lot. My husband, my rock, who helps me even if it's tough. I don't want to be that girl any more. There's a lot that I've prayed about this past week. Lord, teach me how to be more positive! Lord, what's my heart reason for this desire? Father, am I honoring you in my actions, my words, and my priorities?

I can tell y'all, those who are still reading, there have been a LOT of days where my heart and head hasn't been in the right place. Especially when it comes to having a grateful heart over location. It's ok to be homesick. It's not ok to dwell. We are here for a reason. This city has beauty. My house is my home. My attitude is my choice.

Am I focusing on the tasks that need to be priority in my home? No, I haven't lately. I've only done ok, enough to get by, and I've ended up overwhelmed by the amount of clutter. I'm not a sparkling clean kind of girl but I love a tidy good smelling house! I take pride in my home, and that's ok. It's who I am, and I can manage my time better and not become a stress monster when I stumble. It's ok that there's change, even if it means I need putty and paint.

Am I a good friend? Have a stepped out of my comfort zone? I love to be a hostess, but fear has kept me back in the last year. That fear is not Godly. I've had extreme conviction in my heart about opening up my home more often and I've ignored it many times. That's just lame. I'm going to worry less about rejection. I'm going to take advantage of opportunity!

Have I been the best momma I can be? Have I had patience? Have I been a good role model? I can honestly say I haven't been the kind of momma I want to be lately. I do not want to teach my girls stress and negativity. I want them to learn how to handle sticky situations with abundant grace. I'm about to get 50s housewife on y'all but I want them to know how to take care of a house, family, and themselves.

Do I speak life and show the love of Jesus to others? Am I staying accountable to the higher standards I believe that are right for me? So grateful for sufficient grace. Cause I know I can work on myself. There is room for improvement, with a teachable heart!

So me bravely, I'm starting a journey to really work on my heart.

My thorns

In this quest for getting more comfortable in our home, aka me feeling happier here I've decided to take on some landscaping projects. My recent has been simply repotting bouganvillia into larger pots and moving the flowers that needed a new home to hanging baskets so come football season and fall I can have purple and gold flowers! Cause ya know, Geaux Tigers!!

 Flowers and gardening have always been something I enjoy but it's so different here in San Antonio. It's dry. We have droughts. It stinks. I grew up rejoicing in storms and wearing rain boots, but here my boots are made out of leather and are good for dancing! It takes extra work like watering more often, and figuring out the best place for what plant, and we have to have low water, full sun things or the plant usually dies. I learned this the hard way a few times.

I've been so homesick lately. This last weekend Toby drove us out to New Braunfuels, because he knew it'd make my heart happy to see a river and moss!  He puts up with me when I'm sad. My husband is such a gift to me and the girls too! Traffic was horrible and he drove in that mess for me, and on the way back with a toddler throwing a hissy fit, to make me smile. He had a good attitude about it when he could have been frustrated. I could have been less stressed out that he was going to a lot of trouble for me.

Bouganvillia has thorns, but vibrant pink flowers. I have thorns too. My attitude can make or break our day around here. I can choose life speaking words or I can pierce with my tongue and actions. The hearts of my sweet darlings, and my husband too, need to be built up and it's my purpose to ensure that I do just that. I can choose joy, and speak it. There are days it's hard to put my goals and self second or third, sometimes forth, but it's more than just me now. I feel like I fail sometimes but the Lord gives me grace and an abundant amount of it. That grace and my family are my pink flowers.

Love and Jambalaya

I've been thinking a lot about acts of love this month. Maybe it's because summer is wedding season and we've been to 2 weddings that really just exemplified love between the bride and groom. Maybe it's because my husband sacrificed time, energy, and finances for us to travel to Louisiana for a few lagniappe days with my momma. I needed those days. Always so very good to see my momma and even the recharge I get from the humidity and the culture. It restores my Louisiana part of my heart.

It's not easy to sacrifice for someone else, but after Toby and I had some good conversation about sacrifice. Sacrifices for each other and for our girls. They require no thought and effort sometimes but more often they require a ton of effort. At times a ton of driving! Parenting is hard, it sucks the energy out of me some days. Putting together a swing set for us all to enjoy and benefit from is a labor of love. Fixing jambalaya, even though it's methodical and habit now, is an act of tasty love. Those pots don't wash themselves.

Sacrifice is worth it, and sacrifice doesn't mean you or I am a doormat. I think it's taken me awhile, to convince myself of that but it's truth. So me bravely, my sacrifices don't equivalent me to doormat status but are acts of love and love always makes me a better girl!

Pink, pearls, and femininity

I'm going to be blunt in this post. I'm incredibly sick of seeing women who call themselves feminists participating in the double standard that little girls shouldn't have things that are pink or play kitchen or princess. That to like those things and to buy them for our girls is demeaning them. That it's dated for any woman to stay at home, recognize her husband as their family leader, and to hold Christian beliefs.

It's only ok to think for yourself when you think like them.

I call bull honky.

We are raising girls in a world that wants to imprison them by the mindset you will be less than if you like pink and bling, and if you want to have families and stay at home to raise them. If you want to stay at home with your kids and take care of your house you might as well take away women's rights. I am more than barefoot in the kitchen. I'm not pregnant currently but having 2 babies in 3 years is ok by me. I'm not an incubator. Don't lessen me and my life to that. I'm strong and I have my own thoughts and can think for myself.

I'm smart, educated, and classy. It's my choice to choose the lifestyle of a stay at home mom. It's my choice to hold the set of beliefs that I do. It's my girl's choice to play with watering cans, dirt, and dress up shoes that are hot pink with purple hearts. Leave her be. She wants my necklace and an apron, it is fine. Her wearing these things has not lessened her ability to count, to think, and to experience adventure even at age 2. Her bows don't dumb her down. You discredit her, not her family who supports her.

Stop trying to demean my daughter and categorize us by what we like to wear, buy, and play with in our home. Stop determining that we are dumb and can't think for ourselves because we don't think like you. Open your bubble to practice what you preach on choice. It's you that sets us back. Bless your heart.

Enjoy them

Those were the words the sweet lady at Cracker Barrel told us after she took a family picture for us. Enjoy them. Words of wisdom from a woman who looked well put together, a little older, and who I can imagine may have raised a family through many many seasons. There are times when I don't enjoy them though. At least I wouldn't call it focusing on joy. There's poop, crying, barf, and stickiness some days. It's hard. It's stressful, but there's peace and beauty and living in my life.

We are the parents that truly, utterly love and mostly enjoy our sweet little darlings. We spoil them and it's ok. I've had to teach myself that. Isn't that pathetic?! It's ok to spoil and like my girls. It's all good to let them wear dresses and frilly things, and bows and let them play barefoot and eat a piece of chocolate. It's ok to focus on what we're blessed with and to soak all of it up and let it radiate out like sunshine.

Our anniversary was this past weekend and looking back 6 years to our newlywed stage to now, priorities have drastically changed. Toby and I had our very first night together without the girls. We haven't had a night together in over 2 years, until this weekend. We've had dates but nothing overnight and it was weird. Great but it was such a change of pace for us. We ate slow, and both got to sleep in a little bit. It was amazing. It was a recharge of batteries we knew were in need of refreshment.

Once we got the girls back with us though it was back into our usual pace. Our life isn't easy, but I really love it. When I focus on what we are blessed with and how much love we have in this house I'm a better happier woman. We took them to the beach and it was windy. We didn't really care. It was a waste of precious moments to be the stressed out momma. So I wasn't. I played in the water and sat on the sand with my girls. I looked at the sand collecting on their feet and legs, and it was like manna to my heart. There were little white crystals and brown grit on our toes, and the air smelled like salt and was thick with humidity. Toby played with Isla in the water and I sat with Lily where the waves would push a teeny bit of water up over her legs.

Lately the Lord has been whispering to me to slow down and enjoy. Toby always points out how much more fun things are when I'm not stressed or rushed. We may not have the busiest lives but I've been called to slow down. To find peace in what isn't my expectation of perfect. To be realistic and myself, and to really just enjoy my life and my family. My girls are delightful and I want to spoil them with experiences, time, and love through all these seasons and those that are to come.