Enjoy them

Those were the words the sweet lady at Cracker Barrel told us after she took a family picture for us. Enjoy them. Words of wisdom from a woman who looked well put together, a little older, and who I can imagine may have raised a family through many many seasons. There are times when I don't enjoy them though. At least I wouldn't call it focusing on joy. There's poop, crying, barf, and stickiness some days. It's hard. It's stressful, but there's peace and beauty and living in my life.

We are the parents that truly, utterly love and mostly enjoy our sweet little darlings. We spoil them and it's ok. I've had to teach myself that. Isn't that pathetic?! It's ok to spoil and like my girls. It's all good to let them wear dresses and frilly things, and bows and let them play barefoot and eat a piece of chocolate. It's ok to focus on what we're blessed with and to soak all of it up and let it radiate out like sunshine.

Our anniversary was this past weekend and looking back 6 years to our newlywed stage to now, priorities have drastically changed. Toby and I had our very first night together without the girls. We haven't had a night together in over 2 years, until this weekend. We've had dates but nothing overnight and it was weird. Great but it was such a change of pace for us. We ate slow, and both got to sleep in a little bit. It was amazing. It was a recharge of batteries we knew were in need of refreshment.

Once we got the girls back with us though it was back into our usual pace. Our life isn't easy, but I really love it. When I focus on what we are blessed with and how much love we have in this house I'm a better happier woman. We took them to the beach and it was windy. We didn't really care. It was a waste of precious moments to be the stressed out momma. So I wasn't. I played in the water and sat on the sand with my girls. I looked at the sand collecting on their feet and legs, and it was like manna to my heart. There were little white crystals and brown grit on our toes, and the air smelled like salt and was thick with humidity. Toby played with Isla in the water and I sat with Lily where the waves would push a teeny bit of water up over her legs.

Lately the Lord has been whispering to me to slow down and enjoy. Toby always points out how much more fun things are when I'm not stressed or rushed. We may not have the busiest lives but I've been called to slow down. To find peace in what isn't my expectation of perfect. To be realistic and myself, and to really just enjoy my life and my family. My girls are delightful and I want to spoil them with experiences, time, and love through all these seasons and those that are to come.

Where is the moss?

 Deep in my heart I've been feeling inadequate so often that I've questioned why do I have what I do when I'm so unworthy of it all. Why me? I'm not the perfect mom type. A lot of the time I've been struggling with contentment and inadequacy. Living here in Texas has been a struggle some days. I remember when we found out we were moving here. I was excited but scared, and at that point it never even crossed my mind how much would change.

Culture, lifestyle, and that my mom wouldn't be an hour away anymore. She'd be at least 8 and that was without kids. I made jokes to hide how utterly homesick I felt. It wasn't bad here and never has been and it's exciting here. The land is beautiful. Hills and rock, and sunshine! However, it's a huge change of pace and I have a hard time with change.  Even though I wasn't born in Louisiana it was the first place that felt right and crept into my bones and soul. Within a year of living here I was pregnant with Isla and after having her in January I was hit hard with how far my mom lived and that the support system I had in Louisiana was miles upon miles away.

I prayed and asked the Lord to open my heart to San Antonio and what friendships it could bring into our lives especially mine because I stay at home with the girls. Let's face it, it's lonely to be a stay at home mom at times. It's even harder if you have my personality and just want to host and visit and do all the time. It was rough when we knew few people here and I was a stay at home wife. Our apartment was pretty clean. Getting married young we had a living on love apartment so when we moved here our apartment was stunning. Then our house was awe inspiring. I've had to keep praying.

Yet I've had a bad attitude because of so many things when I should have you counted my blessings. There have been days where I'd think seriously where are the azaleas and moss, if I have to see another sago Palm or cactus I'm going to lose it. I have to actually water my plants here. I don't speak Spanish and I have no idea what this person is saying to me. It's dry. I miss the river. I miss Natchitoches Christmas. I'm so out of place here. Wah. Wah. Wah. Seriously. I'm learning, and I'm doing a good attitude from here on out. When people talk to me I don't want them to walk away from the conversation thinking she's not happy to be where they are because it's not true. I need to focus on what is good.

Finding a moms group was an immense blessing because I was at the point where I was done being so lonely. Not having anyone in the mommy trenches here with me was tearing at me. It's good to have friends, but when they have no clue what you are going through and can't because they aren't living those days, it's like your heart is going to explode. Mutual understanding of how much you love your children but they're driving you crazy and you want to just go potty without interruption will bond you. I have been super convicted to really put myself out there in the next year so that other moms have a friend who they can talk to and build community with because this mom thing is hard.

So me bravely, I'm blessed and I'm going to show it so you know it, and I'm going to be your friend.