Where is the moss?

 Deep in my heart I've been feeling inadequate so often that I've questioned why do I have what I do when I'm so unworthy of it all. Why me? I'm not the perfect mom type. A lot of the time I've been struggling with contentment and inadequacy. Living here in Texas has been a struggle some days. I remember when we found out we were moving here. I was excited but scared, and at that point it never even crossed my mind how much would change.

Culture, lifestyle, and that my mom wouldn't be an hour away anymore. She'd be at least 8 and that was without kids. I made jokes to hide how utterly homesick I felt. It wasn't bad here and never has been and it's exciting here. The land is beautiful. Hills and rock, and sunshine! However, it's a huge change of pace and I have a hard time with change.  Even though I wasn't born in Louisiana it was the first place that felt right and crept into my bones and soul. Within a year of living here I was pregnant with Isla and after having her in January I was hit hard with how far my mom lived and that the support system I had in Louisiana was miles upon miles away.

I prayed and asked the Lord to open my heart to San Antonio and what friendships it could bring into our lives especially mine because I stay at home with the girls. Let's face it, it's lonely to be a stay at home mom at times. It's even harder if you have my personality and just want to host and visit and do all the time. It was rough when we knew few people here and I was a stay at home wife. Our apartment was pretty clean. Getting married young we had a living on love apartment so when we moved here our apartment was stunning. Then our house was awe inspiring. I've had to keep praying.

Yet I've had a bad attitude because of so many things when I should have you counted my blessings. There have been days where I'd think seriously where are the azaleas and moss, if I have to see another sago Palm or cactus I'm going to lose it. I have to actually water my plants here. I don't speak Spanish and I have no idea what this person is saying to me. It's dry. I miss the river. I miss Natchitoches Christmas. I'm so out of place here. Wah. Wah. Wah. Seriously. I'm learning, and I'm doing a good attitude from here on out. When people talk to me I don't want them to walk away from the conversation thinking she's not happy to be where they are because it's not true. I need to focus on what is good.

Finding a moms group was an immense blessing because I was at the point where I was done being so lonely. Not having anyone in the mommy trenches here with me was tearing at me. It's good to have friends, but when they have no clue what you are going through and can't because they aren't living those days, it's like your heart is going to explode. Mutual understanding of how much you love your children but they're driving you crazy and you want to just go potty without interruption will bond you. I have been super convicted to really put myself out there in the next year so that other moms have a friend who they can talk to and build community with because this mom thing is hard.

So me bravely, I'm blessed and I'm going to show it so you know it, and I'm going to be your friend.