Bold

Sometimes I don't know why I write this blog. In the past 3 weeks I've gotten 2 posts started and they just seemed too scattered, too emotional, and too raw. I look at my heart and I gain insight into myself. I am scattered. I am emotional. I am raw. I have been broken, to the point that I cried because I couldn't watch a football game. Fox in Texas won't play the Saints game when a Texas team is playing too.

I've asked the Lord a lot lately, why? Why me? Why are we here when I feel like it'd be easy to be back in Louisiana? Why am I so soft hearted? Why do I get dealt the hand of cards I do with life? Can I just quit and hide in my house? The season of brokenness that I realized I was in the middle of while standing in my kitchen eating spinach artichoke dip has just been down right hard. Isla and Lily have changed me. Life has changed me. I have struggled with what I look like and what I have time for now. Questioned who I am and what I love doing. Let little defeats add up til they pile up and break me.

I've been incredibly awkward in my own skin. I've examined my ways and thoughts and body, and decided I wasn't good enough. That I don't fit. I've blamed it on location. I've taken my flaws and put them on the table and picked them apart until I've come to the conclusion that someone like me doesn't deserve the blessing of the Toby, Isla, Lily and the weenies. I've avoided blaming it on my heart and thoughts, because I do fit. I am the right woman for my husband and my daughters and puppies.  I am majestically designed by a Creator who knows what He is doing. He created a girl who takes so much joy in little things like manicures, chocolate, bubble baths, Fall, and crafts. I do mean little, tiny happy things that pale in comparison to the big picture of my family and comfort of my Savior.

I am uniquely designed in a way that I am the perfect match for Toby, but on those bad days I don't see it. Isla turned around quickly and bumped her forehead on our cabinets the other day. Toby mentioned that she has some of my quirks, and that I might be able to really encourage her when she is older. My skin, to me is so awkward but the thought that it could be a blessing to Isla shows me all the more that He knows me and what He is doing. It's so easy to forget and to get caught in the storm of not good enough.

I was driving and the song Just say Jesus came on, and the words I've heard many times really ministered to me in this season of brokenness.

Life gets tough, and times get hard
It's hard to find the truth in all the lies

If you're tired of wondering why
Your heart isn't healing
And nothing feels like home
Cause you're lost and alone just screaming at the sky

When you don't know what to say
Just say Jesus
There is power in the name
The name of Jesus
If the words won't come
Cause you're to afraid to pray
Just say Jesus

Whisper it now, or shout it out
However it comes out, He hears your cry
Out of nowhere He will come, you got to believe it
He will rescue you
Just call out to the Way, The Truth, The Light

So I tell myself and you too. We are good enough. I came across a scripture today that really called out to me when I was playing around on Facebook and it tied things together for me.

In the day when I cried out, You answered me, And made me bold with strength in my soul. Psalm 138:3

Our Jesus loves us, and when we feel those soul breaking thoughts we need to only think, only whisper His name, and He will give us strength to love ourselves just as He made us.