all the mommies are tired

All the mommies are tired. Before I was a momma I knew that it was a tiring and hard season of life but until I started living it I had no idea. No real grasp on what it's like to be exhausted and to function even though you'd rather rest. Some days I know with my 2 kids I still have so much to learn about what it is to be tired. I feel like there's more coming. In fact I know there's more coming because I'm pretty sure we aren't done with our family yet. The more the merrier right?

So many of my friends are moms in a similar stage of life with young children, who are learning with their husbands how to navigate through the fatigue, the messiness of life, and the joys and hard times that come with it. I've been so guilty of chastising myself for complaining but truth is that life is hard. It's grimy and sad, and hard. We need to stick together, because this world can suck you in and bring you down if you let it.

I recently discovered that 2 year old children can slip away from view and be out the door in no time at all. Twice. The fear that overtook me is still lingering and despite reassurance from a few friends and Toby, I feel so much fear because of, what if. What if Isla made it further outside, what if someone didn't stop her, and what if I didn't look up see her and run. I feel like the last 3 days has been a rollercoaster of up and down and then raw. This world we live in now is scary to me. She's so precious and young that Isla doesn't know it's scary though.

Isla didn't realize at the moment she walked out then ran that mommy was tired or that Lily needed attention too. Or that momma had to pick up and collect belongings because she's 2 1/2 years old, and she's not living it. After all I'm the momma and she's the baby. She didn't know her momma was praying for her to stop and to be safe, and that I started before she was born and haven't stopped. I wonder how many prayers Jesus hears a day from worried mothers. I know I breathe them so often.

2 1/2 years, the last time Toby and I were alone with each other. We love being parents, but it's stressful, hard, tiring, and worth it, but we need a break too. Fear for me can bring perspective. It can show me what counts, priorities, and if I don't let it bury me, realistic understanding of who I am as a mom. I also know what I need to change. I need so desperately to stop feeling guilty.

I'm a momma bear. I'm strong but I'm weak. I'm tired but I'm happy. I'm guilty of beating myself up for what I do wrong instead of finding joy in what I did right. I'm ready for a vacation with just my husband, to try to put away the mommy for a few hours and be a wife, and be me. To relax and not feel guilty for taking time to be a better mommy later. To chill out, unwind, breathe and maybe be barefoot and dance.